Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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