Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
