I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
