We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
