Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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