I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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