i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
