Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
