It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
All I want is dick and wine.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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