Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
