the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
handjob tips. give me some.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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