it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
