i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
