The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
