I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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