i was born a porn star she said
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
