So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
