just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
