we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
