I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
