at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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