I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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