Taylor Swift is so right about you.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
