So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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