You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She is in my trunk
I'm drive I can fine osifer
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
