I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
