I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
