thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
