my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
someone owes me an orgasm
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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