im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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