She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
