I just threw up on my dentist
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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