I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
