I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
