you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
