Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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