I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
