I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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