why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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