I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
