ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
