Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
