it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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