Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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