I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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