the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
