why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
