i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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