it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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