well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
