conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
