if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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