your parents love me but you hate me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
