Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
